Dear UMW,
I feel that our relationship is heading steadily downwards. Romance is declining. You consistently fail to deliver on promises, like faster internet, helpful administrators, and edible food. It took over five minutes for this page to load, OSACS is as frustrating as ever, and I just had chicken that tasted like cat. (Not–I might add–that I know what cat tastes like. But I have a more than adequate imagination.)
You never buy me flowers anymore. Or tune the residence hall pianos. You block campus foot-traffic with enormous tents for days, …