Dear UMW,

I feel that our relationship is heading steadily downwards. Romance is declining. You consistently fail to deliver on promises, like faster internet, helpful administrators, and edible food. It took over five minutes for this page to load, OSACS is as frustrating as ever, and I just had chicken that tasted like cat. (Not–I might add–that I know what cat tastes like. But I have a more than adequate imagination.)

You never buy me flowers anymore. Or tune the residence hall pianos. You block campus foot-traffic with enormous tents for days, then block it again with enormous tent disassembly. Your chicken nuggets threaten to scrape off my throat lining. And you have enough money to throw an elaborate ball complete with chocolate fountains, but not to support your own student organizations.

After all we’ve been through together (drunken presidents, abuse of cleaning staff, near-elimination of rowing teams, this year’s freshman class, etc.), I think that I’m owed an explanation. I’d recommend calling me, because your network sometimes makes e-mail sluggish, torpid, or non-functional. Campus mail might also work, as long as you don’t include any apology bananas. My dad sent me a banana once. It was not the greatest plan.

Love(?),
Serena

P.S. The RAs would like to know when their timesheets are next scheduled to be lost by administrators. That way, they can plan ahead and start stockpiling food and begging on the streets for tuition money.