You may have thought that I had stopped cooking delicious deserts to pursue other, more social pastimes. Maybe I threw a wild party, watched a football game, or even went clubbing.¹ Not so. I’ve been quietly cooking and baking away during my few waking hours away from work, but simply haven’t found the time to share my experiments projects.

I’m of the firm belief that tarts are among the most rewarding of desserts to bake, because it always looks like you’ve put way more effort into them than you actually have.² Lovers, enemies, small children, and pets are always impressed with a well-decorated tart. This particular apple tart actually happened last November, so bear with me while I attempt to recreate the process. The recipe is adapted from Smitten Kitchen’s Simplest Apple Tart, which came from Alice Waters, who (allegedly) got it from Jacques Pépin. I took the ingredients, but changed the form a bit. This is, by the way, easy peasy to make vegan. Just use a butter substitute, and the rest is already animal-friendly.

Deceptive Apple Tart

CRUST:³

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, just softened, cut in 1/2-inch pieces
• 3 1/2 tablespoons chilled water
• 1/4 tsp almond extract (optional, but delicious)

Mix flour, sugar, and salt in a large bowl; add 2 tablespoons of the butter. Blend in a mixer until dough resembles coarse cornmeal. (I just used a wooden spoon and elbow grease.) Add remaining butter; mix until biggest pieces look like large peas.

Dribble in water, stir, then dribble in more, until dough just holds together. Toss with hands, letting it fall through fingers, until it’s ropy with some dry patches. If dry patches predominate, add another tablespoon water. Keep tossing until you can roll dough into a ball. Flatten into a 4-inch-thick disc; refrigerate. After at least 30 minutes, remove; let soften so it’s malleable but still cold. Smooth cracks at edges. On a lightly floured surface, roll into a 14-inch circle about 1/8 inch thick.

Place dough in a lightly greased 9-inch round tart pan. (A pie dish or circular/square-shaped casserole dish would also do in a pinch.) Heat oven to 400°F. (If you have a pizza stone, place it in the center of the rack.)

FILLING:

• 2 pounds apples (Golden Delicious or another tart, firm variety), peeled, cored (save peels and cores), and sliced⁴
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• a sprinkling of cinnamon

Overlap apples on dough up to the sides in a spiral pattern. Continue inward until you reach the center.

Brush melted butter over apples and onto dough edge. Sprinkle 1 tablespoons sugar over dough edge and the other 2 tablespoons over apples.⁵ Sprinkle some cinnamon over the top.

Bake in center of oven until apples are soft, with browned edges, and crust has caramelized to a dark golden brown (about 45 minutes), making sure to rotate tart every 15 minutes.⁶ This is a good time to start simmering your glaze.

GLAZE:

• 1/2 cup sugar

Put reserved peels and cores in a large saucepan, along with sugar. Pour in just enough water to cover; simmer for 25 minutes. Strain syrup through cheesecloth. (Though I just put it through a regular strainer, not having a cheesecloth readily available.)

Remove tart from oven, and let cool at least 15 minutes. Brush glaze over tart, slice, and serve. It’s going to be really difficult to slice it, though, because it will be so goddamn beautiful.⁷

1. Hint: These are all things I make a habit of avoiding.
2. You see? Deceptive..
3. Next time I’ll try it with my usual pie crust recipe and see how it compares.
4. I got mine from–where else–the local farmer’s market. And spent about 20-30 minutes meticulously slicing them. This extra effort will pay off, I promise.
5. I probably ended up using even a little less, like 1 and 1.5 tablespoons. You’ll find it’s hard to cover a tart with that much sugar.
6. Yes, this rotation thing is important.
7. More photos, as usual, on Flickr.

MAID.  O, welcome, Heracles! come in, sweetheart.

My Lady, when they told her, set to work,

Baked mighty loaves, boiled two or three tureens

Of lentil soup, roasted a prime ox whole,

Made rolls and honey-cakes. So come along.

–Aristophanes, The Frogs

I’ll admit, I sometimes have odd cravings. Raw carrots, candy hearts, frozen peas… the list goes on.¹ But earlier this week, after consuming some mediocre lentil soup at a mediocre falafel joint in my neighborhood, all I could think about was lentils. In a lentil-induced haze, I ran to my local supermarket and bought a handful of ingredients: carrots, celery, tomatoes, onion, garlic, and–you guessed it–lentils. After two hours of chopping, sautéeing, ransacking my spice cabinet, sprinkling, simmering, and stirring, something new and delicious was born.

Experimental Lentil [Soup]²

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 cups dry lentils (I used one cup of red lentils and one cup of regular brown/green lentils)
• 2 large carrots
• 2 sticks celery
• 1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes³
• 1 large onion
• 1-2 cloves garlic
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 6 cups vegetable stock (you can also use chicken stock, but I used vegetable stock to make this soup completely vegetarian-friendly)⁴
• 2 tsp paprika
• 1 1/2 tsp cumin (either ground or in seed form)
• 1/2 tsp chili powder⁵
• a liberal sprinkling of ground black pepper
• OPTIONAL: bay leaf, oregano, basil, spinach⁶

Chop the carrots, celery, and onion. I like big chunks of onion and carrot in my soup, but your mileage may vary. Chop according to personal preference. Mince the garlic. Soak the lentils⁷ in a bowl of warm water (make sure they’re covered by at least an inch or two of water) and set aside. Pour/make your vegetable stock in a large pot.

Sauté the onions in olive oil with a pinch of black pepper for a couple of minutes until almost cooked. Sprinkle in about 1/2 tsp of paprika and 1/2 tsp cumin. Add the carrots, celery, and garlic and continue to sauté for 10 minutes. (You may have to splash in a little more olive oil.) Set aside.

At this point, your lentils should be a little puffier, though not completely expanded.⁸ Drain them and pour into the vegetable stock. Stir in the rest of the vegetables. Add the rest of your spices. Bring to a boil, then reduce to medium-low heat and simmer, covered, for at least an hour. Serve with a good, crusty bread.

This recipe fed two very hungry people completely, plus three servings left over for lunches. It is deceptively filling, and doubling the recipe should easily feed a whole dinner party of six. Or many tiny children.

One lucky flatterer diner remarked, “This is the best lentil soup of my life.” But don’t take his word for it! Make your own lentil soup today!⁹ If only Cinderella had known about this recipe…

“Cinderella, wouldn’t you like to go to the ball?”

“Oh, yes. But how can I go? I don’t have a dress.”

“No,” said the oldest one, “and we would be ashamed if you were to be seen there, and people learned that you are our sister. You belong in the kitchen. Here is a basin of lentils. Sort the good ones from the bad ones, and if there is a single bad one in the lot when we return, you can expect the worst.”

–Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Cinderella

1. Right now, I’m eating a spoonful of peanut butter.
2. More photos on Flickr
3. Some recipes call for crushed tomatoes, but I like the texture and flavor that diced tomatoes add to the soup. I got fancy and picked out a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes.
4. If you need a recommendation for a good vegetable soup stock, Better Than Bouillon vegetable base has never failed me and one jar lasts absolutely forever. I dissolved about 5 teaspoons of vegetable base in 6 cups of boiling water to make my stock. This makes a pretty strong soup base, and the amount of vegetable base can be reduced for a weaker, less salty soup.
5. Inclusion of this is not accidental.
6. These ingredients are supplemental.
7. Just be gentle!
8. Sometimes they can be temperamental.
9. And you’ll have a soup that’s transcendental!

Magic Pizza Crust³

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast
• 1/2 tsp sugar (white or brown)
• 1 1/2 cups warm water (as hot as it comes out of the tap)
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 3 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• OPTIONAL: garlic powder, parmesan cheese, other seasonings

In a large bowl, dissolve yeast and sugar in the warm water. Let sit for 10 minutes.

Stir salt and oil into the yeast solution (oil will be in globs). If you’re spicing up your crust with garlic powder, parmesan, or other seasonings, now is the time to add them. Next, mix in 2 1/2 cups of the flour.

Turn dough out onto a well floured surface (be very liberal with your flouring) and knead in more flour until the dough is no longer sticky. Don’t be afraid to use a lot of flour– this dough is very moist. Just keep going until you don’t feel any sticky patches while kneading it. Put it in a well-oiled bowl (be liberal with this, too) and turn over a few times to coat the dough with oil. Cover the bowl with a damp cloth and let the dough rise for about an hour. It’s totally okay to leave it longer; just punch down the rising dough every once in a while so it doesn’t expand too much.⁴

When you’re ready to bake the crust, form the dough into a tight ball. Allow it to relax for a minute before rolling it out onto a pan or pizza stone. If you use a rolling pin, make sure that both it and the dough are well-floured. This dough is sticky. I usually just flatten it and press it out with my fingers/palms until it’s the right size and thickness. This recipe makes one very large pizza crust or two small ones. Preheat the oven to 425°F (220°C).

Important!

• If you are using a pan or baking sheet (lightly oiled, of course), you’ll need to pre-bake the crust. This is to prevent the toppings from cooking faster than the crust later on. Bake in your preheated oven for 15 minutes. Remove, add your toppings⁵, then put back in the oven and bake for another 15-20 minutes, until the crust is a lovely golden brown color. (It will be a little lighter on the inside and golden mostly around the edges.) Don’t overbake or you’ll lose this crust’s delicious fluffiness!
• If you are using a pizza stone, simply add your toppings and bake the pizza for about 20 minutes.

And there you have it! A low-maintenance, highly edible pizza crust. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

1. And if you aren’t, shame on you!
2. Pesto is NOT for swimming in, kids.
3. More photos on Flickr.
4. If it’s terrorizing Tokyo, you’ve waited too long.
5. I kept it simple with pesto, tomatoes, and parmesan, but this crust is delicious with all kinds of sauces and vegetables!

You know that saying? About what to do if you want something done well? And don’t have a celebrated Italian chef locked away in your kitchen cupboard?³ Clearly, the answer was to find a good pesto recipe and obsessively refine it over the course of several months.

There was only one obstacle remaining. I have this theory about people who love pesto. They say, “Hey! This stuff is great! But also really expensive at my local grocery store. Maybe I should save money and make my own.” And they get as far as the pine nuts, look at the price,⁴ then head straight for the refrigerated pasta section or even (gasp) reach for a jar. “Oh well,” they say, “It would have been nice to make my own fresh pesto.” Well, with this recipe, we could single-handedly revolutionize the way people consume pesto.  As long as almonds or walnuts never go up in price.

Poor Woman’s (or Man’s) Pesto⁵

• 3 cups fresh basil⁶
• 1/4 cup almonds
• 1/4 cup walnuts (you can substitute all almonds, all walnuts, or–if you are very wealthy–all pine nuts)
• 3-4 cloves garlic
• 1 cup olive oil
• 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (I love parmesan, so I used 2/3 cup)⁷

Toast the almonds and walnuts in a pan over medium heat until they begin to brown. Crush them with a mortar and pestle.

Grate the cheese and chop the garlic.

Chop your beautiful, fresh basil (we’re doing this last so the basil stays beautiful and fresh).

Stick everything (basil, garlic, cheese, nuts, and oil) in the blender. Pulse until smooth. The pesto should be thick, but still pour easily. Add oil a little at a time if it’s too dry.

Serve immediately over hot pasta.⁸ Remember, never heat pesto, as this ruins the flavor. It should always be served cold over just-boiled pasta, and the heat from the noodles will warm the pesto. If you’re as parmesan-obsessed I am, you can grate some extra cheese over your pasta.

To store your extra pesto, transfer to a jar or container and pour a thin layer of olive oil over the top. This is to prevent the basil from oxidizing and turning an unappealing brown color. You can also freeze leftover pesto. I usually pour it into an ice cube tray, then transfer the frozen pesto cubes into another container. (Much easier than gouging pieces out of a frozen vat of pesto, or having to defrost more than you need.) Each cube is about one serving.

1. Anyone who has lived with me, spoken with me, or seen me from afar probably already knows this.
2. And don’t even get me started on the abomination that is creamy pesto.
3. Something I’m working on.
4. My grandpa calls tomatoes “red gold”. I’d like to call pine nuts “off-white gold” or maybe “beige gold”, but it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
5. more photos on Flickr
6. Got mine at–where else–the local farmer’s market.
7. Note for the vegans: this pesto is also fine without the cheese. Just reduce the amount of oil (otherwise it will be too liquid) and add a little salt.
8. My favorite pesto pasta is spinach fettuccine. Rotini and ziti are also great, and shells hold little pockets of pesto.

1. Yes, I know it’s wrong to eat crèpes in Japantown. But there were TWO crèperies there! What was I supposed to do, ignore them both?
2. It took me a good 10 minutes to pry open the tin with a nickel I had in my pocket. It turns out there is a beer-flavored version of the same candies. Who knew?
3. Surprisingly, it was right near our scary neighborhood.

1. Past a grouchy-looking prostitute and a gas station billboard with a J.D. Salinger quotation.
2. Watch all of them online here!
3. I was pleasantly surprised by this movie theater. It was small and a little shabby, but had exactly the kind of patrons I love to watch movies with. And is right across from a great thrift store.
4. It’s half Indian restaurant, half Irish pub, and the combination is exactly as weird as you’d expect it to be.

1. MUNI was increasing the price for monthly passes, which is already ridiculously high. We got this information from a very helpful woman sitting barefoot on the sidewalk and rattling things. Can we talk for a minute about things I hate? The MUNI logo is pretty awful. I mean, who thought that would be a good idea? Clearly someone was all like, “Oh, I know. We’ll make it all CURVY like Lombard Street but in the shape of the word MUNI. I’m so clever!” Bad choices. They should have stayed with the old logo, which was classic and charming.

1. They climbed the hill in silly costumes, with pantyhose over their heads, and began to play strange instruments. Pretty sure one of them was banging on a drum with an oversized kitchen whisk.

1. It was an alarming neighborhood. Shouting and banging in the streets at night, ambulances every few minutes, prostitutes on the corners, and a friendly “GO TO HELL” sign in the window opposite ours. I don’t remember any gunshots, but I’m a pretty heavy sleeper.